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Nov. 26th, 2008

it doesn't make sense how death comes to those that don't welcome it, that need life, that haven't fully seen the world, that need to see what life has for them.
it doesn't make sense how death is so hard to achieve to those who welcome it, who have seen too much of the world, who have lost faith in the people long before they had lost themselves, who need escape, who have seen what life has for them fall into the wrong path.
it doesn't make sense how incredibily unfair the world is, the innocent die.. the guilty run free on bail and lying laywers. People starve, others wear sizes XXXXXL. there's help every few miles, danger in every step.
it doesn't make sense.

been a while

35 weeks? more than 8 months. haha

Well a lot has changed over these 8 months. I was really obsessed with kevinwong, but someone new came along. To add on, i found out he had a girlfriend. SHe's beyond pretty, and im not just saying that because i think im ugly. 

Well, anyway back to the new guy. At first i just crushed on him because he was slightly cute and he was NEW ! He transferred from some private school and he hung out with my group of friends because he was good friends with my best friend.  THe thing is as time went by my friend started hinting to me that liking him wasn't the best idea. I was so curious. and eventually i found out that he already had girls in mind. yes a pural. i knew them both and one of them just happed to be another one of my best friends. and to be completely honest they were once again completely and utterly  pretty . 

So, i stopped liking him because i wanted for him to have a chance with one of those girls. my obsession with him ended and i moved on to another guy. Along the way, the new guy tried helping me with this other guy. and it was all fun and dandy till he just liked another girl and i was stuck with the option of moving on...again. 

Instead of someone new however, i moved back to this guy. Eventhough i had pushed him to be forward with one of the girls he liked, i still held on this time because i truely didn't mind just liking him from a far.

It started out when track & field and badminton season came along. We both didn't have a 7th period, and practice didn't start till after 7th period. so we hung out a lot after school, even on days where he would ditch practice for guitar lesson and on days when the badminton jv team didn't have practice at all. I knew i fell for him forreal this time when he said he couldn't hang out anymore, his sport was coming to an end and he was joining some swim team off campus. it just made my heart ache.

Eventually, i still pushed him towards the girl. I even got him to ask her out, she never answered tho. well, there were rare occasions when we would still hang out after school, and he would walk me to class or to my locker. 

As the end of the year came around everyone began (everyone as in my bestfriends and people that hung with us) to say that we flirted way too much. Well i knew that for one thing, from my side I was flirting, but i think from his side he took it as friendship. And his responses to my flirtations were just normal to everyone else. 

However my freind kept building that hope that this was something he hasn't done to anyother girl. So i let myself think i had a chance, i still do think that. sometimes. 

Anyway, along with that more and more people that didn't usually know us know us began assuming we were together. Although it made me happy that thinks appeared that way, it made me said cuz then i would always have to watch him reject the idea like is was acid

my best friend made it clear that if i asked he would say yes because that how he was. there isn't a day where i dont think about taking it to my advantage...but the more i think about it the less appealing it gets. Why would i want this guy to be with me just because i asked. I've been in the poistion where i felt my bf only liked me because i liked him, and there was no way i was going back to that feeling again. I wanted to be loved more than i loved. i still do. 

so im not going to confess, im not going to ask. i want him to fall for me, for him to ask me. for him to understand that i can't make the first move anymore. 

and it may never happen, but at least if it does happen and can be sure that his feelings are real, that they arent just things he is making himself feel at of pity for his friend. i know that life's too short to wait and that i may never know if i don't give it a shot. but if i give it a shot i know that i'll always doubt his feelings and it'll tear us apart. somewhere deep down im sastified with being his friend. 

i cant help but think that even if he did ask i would reject him because i'll never love myself enough to commit and love him like he deserves.

so carlin, let's be best friends. let's always be friends, if somewhere along the way we learn to love eachother and ourselves let's not rush anything without knowing for certain that we are ready. cuz you're the first guy that i feel it's all or nothing. I don't want to ruin anything between us. i don't want to be the bad guy.  

just whatever

Well it's a sunday. I managed to finish my hwk beside my english essays. I'm not too worried about the essays themselves. I'm more worried about the outline and what not. those seem to take forever ! at least im feeling confident about the essays. then again i felt confident about other essays and they killed my grade . i hope this one doesn't betray me too badly ! i wouldn't be able to live with a classgrade lower than a b . how nerdy. whatever i just better get my damn a on my report card. college is my goal !

Hmm, im a dork ! i made a username according to my "obsession" with a certain boy who goes by kevinwong. I wouldn't be surprised if the whole world soon knows. It's not like i keep it much of a secret. i'd tell anyone who asks . can't really see how it would hurt.  

Lately i haven't felt good about myself. im constantly tearing myself down. it's more or less having to do with the way i look. it can't be helped that my essays grades are a factor. i don't remember doing essays so much. so it's a new experience. i never really had a good teacher to help in that field . but whatever can't keep complaining about that. so back to the point. i want to be confident about my appearance. but it's not very easy these days where the world wide standard of beauty is everywhere. constantly im reminded of how .. unhomely i am. of course i know im alright looking... it's just i wish it was more. and it's also my brain . i don't feel smart. i doubt i am. i just do enough to get by ... my mother's standards. I try not to express these things seriously because i'm learning to be grateful for what i am and that i have to work for what i want and not wish for it. everything i usually say about myself is more jokingly than seriously unless it's about my writing. i know that could use some serious help. 

i'm thinking this is more than enough. till next time =]

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